Say Thank You

This morning I was in the kitchen while everyone else was still asleep, making breakfast and getting lunches ready for the kids. For some reason, I started thinking about how many times over the years I have said three words to them that almost every parent has probably said thousands of times: “Say thank you.”

There is nothing wrong with that. When our kids are little, part of our job is teaching them what to do. Someone gives you something, you say thank you. You hurt somebody, you apologize. Someone is talking to you, you look at them and listen. We provide a lot of those reminders because our kids are still learning how to treat other people.

But standing in the kitchen this morning, I found myself thinking that I don't really want my kids to become good at saying thank you. I want them to be thankful. When they're young, those two things may need to begin with us. We tell them to say thank you, and over time they learn that this is what you do when someone gives you something or does something kind for you. There is value in that. Habits matter, and sometimes doing the right thing repeatedly helps us understand why it matters.

But my kids are getting older now, and I don't want to spend the rest of their childhood standing beside them reminding them what to say. At some point, I want them to notice for themselves that someone gave them a ride, made them a meal, bought them something, helped them with something or simply went out of their way for them. I want them to recognize that another person didn't have to do that, and I want the thank you to come from them.

I probably think about this differently now because my kids are getting older. When they were little, so much of parenting involved reminding, explaining, correcting and sometimes simply telling them what to do. I still do all of those things, but I also find myself wondering more often when I should say something and when I should give them the chance to recognize it for themselves.

That doesn't mean I am going to stop telling my kids to say thank you. Sometimes they need the reminder. Sometimes I need the reminder. And I don't think becoming more independent means children suddenly stop needing their parents to teach or correct them.

What I hope changes is what happens when I'm not there to remind them. If they hurt someone, do they recognize it? If somebody needs help, do they notice? If someone does something kind for them, do they appreciate it without being prompted? Those are things I can't make happen simply by giving the right instruction often enough.

For years, “Say thank you” has been something I've said to my kids. As they get older, I hope I have to say it less. Not because saying thank you matters any less, but because being thankful has become more their own.